Just Say No To Sex; Dr. Coburn Shows You How
(Extended spoof, presented In 10 installments of 4 pages each. This is the fifth installment; previous ones are presented on this site or at newslaugh.com below each new installment, in case you miss one or more.)
Then he headed for the door, as Melanie went upstairs. He drew it open, and said, “Dan, my boy, come in.”
“Thank you, Dr. Coburn.”
“How are things going?”
“Great! Just great!”
“Excellent,” Dr. Coburn exclaimed. “Tell me, how are you dealing with the numerous opportunities that seem to come your way?"
“No problem.”
“Haven't by any chance succumbed to any, have you?”
“No, sir.”
“Not even once?”
“No, not once, sir,” he said, but his voice broke and he seemed remorseful.
“What’s wrong, Dan?”
“I only told you half the truth, sir.”
“Half?”
“I’m sorry. Help me! I need help!”
Dr. Coburn closed the door to his den, and said consolingly, “Tell me all about it, son.”
“I can’t believe it but it happened. I had a lapse.”
“You did? How?”
“Temptation, sir! Just too much temptation!”
“It was able to penetrate your every defense?”
“I admit it. Yes, sir.”
“How is that possible? You should have been temptation-proof by now.”
“I thought I was, but then – “
“– What?”
“The worst possible thing. I mean, you won't believe it.”
“Confide in me, Dan. I can’t help you fortify yourself unless I understand what befell you.”
“How can I even say it? Not one –“
“– Not one? Go on.”
“But two –“
“– Two what?”
“Cheerleaders.”
“Two cheerleaders?”
“Yes, sir. Two really sexy ones – “
“ – Yes?”
“Double teamed me,” Dan confessed.
“They did? In what way?”
“Incredible. Let me just say they were incredible.”
“Dan, I need specifics.”
“Yes, sir. But, just to protect them, I won’t mention their names, OK?”
“Of course. It’s the matter we want to discuss. Names are irrelevant.”
“Good. Well, we rode home on the bus together after last night’s away game, which, by the way, I won with a last-minute dive across the goal line.”
“Good. Go on.”
“Well, one of them asked if she could sit down beside me. I was really tired and, without thinking of your axiom about what closeness can lead to, I just said, ‘OK.’”
“Your first mistake.”
“I know, sir. It just didn’t occur to me at the time.”
“Please, continue.”
“Well, as the ride went along, I felt her hip against mine.”
“She had moved closer?”
“Yes, sir, while I had my eyes shut.”
“I’ve told you often, you’ve got to be eternally vigilant. A woman with amorous intentions can be fretfully wily.”
“You can say that again.”
“Anyway, I must have taken a nap, because when I woke up, I noticed my arm was around her and somehow her breast was in my hand.”
“That’s bad.”
“You bet. And somehow her best friend, another cheerleader, with a body that never stops saying wow, had squeezed in next to her. Things were kind of crowded, so the first cheerleader said, ‘Mind if I sit on your lap?’”
“What did you say?”
“Well, the thought that occurred to me right away is, Texaco. I mean, I guess I thought of sex and, thanks to your training, it keyed off my first line of defense.”
“So far, so good.”
“Like I said, I tried.”
“When did the breakdown occur?”
“Not until after the bus dropped us all back at the dorm.”
“You lasted that long?” Dr. Coburn wished to ascertain.
“Yes, sir.”
“Not bad. But, apparently, there was trouble ahead.”
“You have no idea.”
“Please, continue.”
“Anyway, when the bus pulled up, it was time to remove her breast from my hand.”
“She still had it there?”
“Yes, sir. Actually, I had kind of forgotten about it.”
“I see,” Dr. Coburn replied, apparently not entirely convinced. “Please, continue.”
“We got off the bus and started to walk toward the dorm. We were all feeling kind of good, because we won the game, and the two cheerleaders kept saying how great it was that I had scored the winning touchdown.”
“They were both still with you?”
“Yes, sir. They wanted to walk with me. Then it happened.”
“What?”
“The girl whose breast had ended up in my hand said, ‘We were talking and we want to give you a present, that is, if you’re not too tired.’”
“Let me get this straight. She said, the plural, ‘we,’ not the singular, ‘I?’”
“Yes, sir. Right away I realized what was on their minds.”
“One might from that, yes. Continue.”
“I looked at them and – you have to forgive me, I’m only a man – I imagined them both naked.”
“Well, given what she had proposed, I can understand how you might have extrapolated that unfortunate vision. Go on.”
“What can I tell you? My willpower just went.”
“Just like that?”
“Yeah. I’m so sorry.”
“Now, it’s time for me to admit something.
“You? What, doctor?”
“It’s my fault.”
“It is.”
“Yes, I’m afraid so. You see, we’ve entered new territory here, thanks to you, Dan, and the extraordinary degree to which you seem to arouse the untoward inclinations of the female species. It actually never occurred to me that I need an axiom to enable my students to say no to double teaming.”
“Oh, thanks. I can’t tell you how relieved I am. I was beginning to doubt my abilities.”
“Don’t ever do that. What we need is a new axiom. Let me think about it.”
“You’re going to think it up right now?”
“I should be able to. As you know, I’m very practiced in the area,” Dr. Coburn advised him, and, no sooner did he boast of his particular creative expertise than he exclaimed, “I've got it!”
“What?” Dan asked.
“My new axiom.”
“Already? Boy, you've got a real talent for this stuff.”
“I know. And believe me, talent is what makes all the difference between just plodding along and creating something remarkable.” Then he pointed to his head, and said, “You know the general topography of the human brain – gray matter, with various concentrations of neurons. I always say your talent is where you have the highest concentration of neurons. I call it your gray lump. Unfortunately, not all people have one.”
“I wonder where mine is.”
“You’ll discover that as you use your brain. Just be attentive to its subtle promptings and to what comes easy to you,” Dr. Coburn advised him. “But back to our new axiom. I say ‘our’ new axiom, because I've decided to share credit for it with you.”
“You have?”
“Yes, Dan. In your honor, I’m going to call it The Coburn-Fox Addendum.”
“You don’t have to do that, but thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Dan.”
“I can’t wait to know what it is.”
“Then let’s get to it. Here is the addendum. I think you’ll see it addresses the issue: ‘Two simultaneous sexual objects can prove twice as tempting. To resist, you need twice as much willpower. Therefore, you must study twice as hard.’"
“Twice as what?”
“Excuse me, Dan. I got carried away. Let me rephrase that. ‘Therefore, you must study twice as much.’"
“That makes sense.”
“Thank you. Now that we’ve got that in place, let's move on.”
“I'm ready.”
Until now, the excitement had been proceeding at such a high level that Dan had not taken his usual, deferential place on the couch.
“Have a seat,” Dr. Coburn told him.
“Yes, sir,” he replied, and plunked himself down.
“You’ve got two weeks of study under your belt now.”
“Under my belt?”
“My, my, see how much progress you’re making? You’ve even catching me when I make one of those unfortunate associations we inherit from our chaotic past. Let me rephrase that. You’ve got a week of study behind you. Yes, I think that will do. No exceedingly unfortunate associations in the phrase ‘behind you.’ Now, today we're going to move into some pretty advanced territory.”
“Good.”
“As a result, we’re going to get significantly more sexplicit.”
“Ready when you are.”
“I need a teaching tool,” he said, and went to his bookshelf. He looked it over and removed a magazine. It was Playboy. He held it up, and asked, “You’re familiar with this entrapment?”
“Very.”
“Every masturbated to it?”
“When I was a kid.”
“It happens to the best of us – that is, before we grow up and learn our responsibilities.”
“You did it, too?”
“We were all youngsters once, Dan. When desire first awakens, we are especially susceptible. Now, tell me,” he went on, opening the magazine to the centerfold, “what do you do think of when I open it thus.”
He held the lusciously retouched photograph of The Playmate of the Month toward him.
“You really want to know?”
“Why else would I be asking?”
“I think, wow, what a great-looking piece of ass.”
“Don’t feel bad. Many a man would. Thankfully, he would be mistaken. And do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because this is not actually a naked woman.”
“It isn’t?”
“Of course, not.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s merely a photograph of a naked woman. Which brings us to the first axiom in the second half of the book, number fifty-one: ‘Pornographic pictures lead to masturbation. Masturbation leads to the desire for sex with a real person. Therefore, pornographic pictures must be seen as mere ink.’ Got it?"
“Yes, sir. Mere ink.”
“Good. Now, focus on that thought for a moment. Are you focused?”
“Yes.”
“All right, now when I hold the centerfold up again, what do you think of?”
“I think, wow, what great-looking ink.”
“No, no, no! There’s nothing ‘great-looking’ about it. It is ‘mere ink’ and nothing more. OK?”
“Got it.”
“Excellent!” Dr. Coburn responded, and gave Dan’s shoulder a squeeze. “You’re getting there.”
“Thank you, Dr. Coburn.”
“You’re most welcome, Dan. It’s a pleasure to teach you.” He looked at his watch. “Oh, my, four o’clock already. I’m sorry to say this, Dan, but today I have to leave you a bit early. I’ve scheduled a field trip to the adult bookshop. If one is to thwart temptation, one must keep up with the latest incarnations of it.”
“You are so dedicated – I mean, to go to a place like that for the sake of your students.”
“Thank you. Just doing a bit of unavoidable research.”
“Does that mean my lesson is over?”
“No, no. Thinking ahead is half the secret of successful adaptation and defense. We’ve got to press on – and I’ve decided that, despite your double-teaming downfall, you're at a point when Melanie can pitch in.”
“Melanie?”
“Of course. She’s as able an assistant as a father could hope for. What do you think?”
“I think, whatever you think, sir.”
End of Fifth Installment
Then he headed for the door, as Melanie went upstairs. He drew it open, and said, “Dan, my boy, come in.”
“Thank you, Dr. Coburn.”
“How are things going?”
“Great! Just great!”
“Excellent,” Dr. Coburn exclaimed. “Tell me, how are you dealing with the numerous opportunities that seem to come your way?"
“No problem.”
“Haven't by any chance succumbed to any, have you?”
“No, sir.”
“Not even once?”
“No, not once, sir,” he said, but his voice broke and he seemed remorseful.
“What’s wrong, Dan?”
“I only told you half the truth, sir.”
“Half?”
“I’m sorry. Help me! I need help!”
Dr. Coburn closed the door to his den, and said consolingly, “Tell me all about it, son.”
“I can’t believe it but it happened. I had a lapse.”
“You did? How?”
“Temptation, sir! Just too much temptation!”
“It was able to penetrate your every defense?”
“I admit it. Yes, sir.”
“How is that possible? You should have been temptation-proof by now.”
“I thought I was, but then – “
“– What?”
“The worst possible thing. I mean, you won't believe it.”
“Confide in me, Dan. I can’t help you fortify yourself unless I understand what befell you.”
“How can I even say it? Not one –“
“– Not one? Go on.”
“But two –“
“– Two what?”
“Cheerleaders.”
“Two cheerleaders?”
“Yes, sir. Two really sexy ones – “
“ – Yes?”
“Double teamed me,” Dan confessed.
“They did? In what way?”
“Incredible. Let me just say they were incredible.”
“Dan, I need specifics.”
“Yes, sir. But, just to protect them, I won’t mention their names, OK?”
“Of course. It’s the matter we want to discuss. Names are irrelevant.”
“Good. Well, we rode home on the bus together after last night’s away game, which, by the way, I won with a last-minute dive across the goal line.”
“Good. Go on.”
“Well, one of them asked if she could sit down beside me. I was really tired and, without thinking of your axiom about what closeness can lead to, I just said, ‘OK.’”
“Your first mistake.”
“I know, sir. It just didn’t occur to me at the time.”
“Please, continue.”
“Well, as the ride went along, I felt her hip against mine.”
“She had moved closer?”
“Yes, sir, while I had my eyes shut.”
“I’ve told you often, you’ve got to be eternally vigilant. A woman with amorous intentions can be fretfully wily.”
“You can say that again.”
“Anyway, I must have taken a nap, because when I woke up, I noticed my arm was around her and somehow her breast was in my hand.”
“That’s bad.”
“You bet. And somehow her best friend, another cheerleader, with a body that never stops saying wow, had squeezed in next to her. Things were kind of crowded, so the first cheerleader said, ‘Mind if I sit on your lap?’”
“What did you say?”
“Well, the thought that occurred to me right away is, Texaco. I mean, I guess I thought of sex and, thanks to your training, it keyed off my first line of defense.”
“So far, so good.”
“Like I said, I tried.”
“When did the breakdown occur?”
“Not until after the bus dropped us all back at the dorm.”
“You lasted that long?” Dr. Coburn wished to ascertain.
“Yes, sir.”
“Not bad. But, apparently, there was trouble ahead.”
“You have no idea.”
“Please, continue.”
“Anyway, when the bus pulled up, it was time to remove her breast from my hand.”
“She still had it there?”
“Yes, sir. Actually, I had kind of forgotten about it.”
“I see,” Dr. Coburn replied, apparently not entirely convinced. “Please, continue.”
“We got off the bus and started to walk toward the dorm. We were all feeling kind of good, because we won the game, and the two cheerleaders kept saying how great it was that I had scored the winning touchdown.”
“They were both still with you?”
“Yes, sir. They wanted to walk with me. Then it happened.”
“What?”
“The girl whose breast had ended up in my hand said, ‘We were talking and we want to give you a present, that is, if you’re not too tired.’”
“Let me get this straight. She said, the plural, ‘we,’ not the singular, ‘I?’”
“Yes, sir. Right away I realized what was on their minds.”
“One might from that, yes. Continue.”
“I looked at them and – you have to forgive me, I’m only a man – I imagined them both naked.”
“Well, given what she had proposed, I can understand how you might have extrapolated that unfortunate vision. Go on.”
“What can I tell you? My willpower just went.”
“Just like that?”
“Yeah. I’m so sorry.”
“Now, it’s time for me to admit something.
“You? What, doctor?”
“It’s my fault.”
“It is.”
“Yes, I’m afraid so. You see, we’ve entered new territory here, thanks to you, Dan, and the extraordinary degree to which you seem to arouse the untoward inclinations of the female species. It actually never occurred to me that I need an axiom to enable my students to say no to double teaming.”
“Oh, thanks. I can’t tell you how relieved I am. I was beginning to doubt my abilities.”
“Don’t ever do that. What we need is a new axiom. Let me think about it.”
“You’re going to think it up right now?”
“I should be able to. As you know, I’m very practiced in the area,” Dr. Coburn advised him, and, no sooner did he boast of his particular creative expertise than he exclaimed, “I've got it!”
“What?” Dan asked.
“My new axiom.”
“Already? Boy, you've got a real talent for this stuff.”
“I know. And believe me, talent is what makes all the difference between just plodding along and creating something remarkable.” Then he pointed to his head, and said, “You know the general topography of the human brain – gray matter, with various concentrations of neurons. I always say your talent is where you have the highest concentration of neurons. I call it your gray lump. Unfortunately, not all people have one.”
“I wonder where mine is.”
“You’ll discover that as you use your brain. Just be attentive to its subtle promptings and to what comes easy to you,” Dr. Coburn advised him. “But back to our new axiom. I say ‘our’ new axiom, because I've decided to share credit for it with you.”
“You have?”
“Yes, Dan. In your honor, I’m going to call it The Coburn-Fox Addendum.”
“You don’t have to do that, but thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Dan.”
“I can’t wait to know what it is.”
“Then let’s get to it. Here is the addendum. I think you’ll see it addresses the issue: ‘Two simultaneous sexual objects can prove twice as tempting. To resist, you need twice as much willpower. Therefore, you must study twice as hard.’"
“Twice as what?”
“Excuse me, Dan. I got carried away. Let me rephrase that. ‘Therefore, you must study twice as much.’"
“That makes sense.”
“Thank you. Now that we’ve got that in place, let's move on.”
“I'm ready.”
Until now, the excitement had been proceeding at such a high level that Dan had not taken his usual, deferential place on the couch.
“Have a seat,” Dr. Coburn told him.
“Yes, sir,” he replied, and plunked himself down.
“You’ve got two weeks of study under your belt now.”
“Under my belt?”
“My, my, see how much progress you’re making? You’ve even catching me when I make one of those unfortunate associations we inherit from our chaotic past. Let me rephrase that. You’ve got a week of study behind you. Yes, I think that will do. No exceedingly unfortunate associations in the phrase ‘behind you.’ Now, today we're going to move into some pretty advanced territory.”
“Good.”
“As a result, we’re going to get significantly more sexplicit.”
“Ready when you are.”
“I need a teaching tool,” he said, and went to his bookshelf. He looked it over and removed a magazine. It was Playboy. He held it up, and asked, “You’re familiar with this entrapment?”
“Very.”
“Every masturbated to it?”
“When I was a kid.”
“It happens to the best of us – that is, before we grow up and learn our responsibilities.”
“You did it, too?”
“We were all youngsters once, Dan. When desire first awakens, we are especially susceptible. Now, tell me,” he went on, opening the magazine to the centerfold, “what do you do think of when I open it thus.”
He held the lusciously retouched photograph of The Playmate of the Month toward him.
“You really want to know?”
“Why else would I be asking?”
“I think, wow, what a great-looking piece of ass.”
“Don’t feel bad. Many a man would. Thankfully, he would be mistaken. And do you know why?”
“Why?”
“Because this is not actually a naked woman.”
“It isn’t?”
“Of course, not.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s merely a photograph of a naked woman. Which brings us to the first axiom in the second half of the book, number fifty-one: ‘Pornographic pictures lead to masturbation. Masturbation leads to the desire for sex with a real person. Therefore, pornographic pictures must be seen as mere ink.’ Got it?"
“Yes, sir. Mere ink.”
“Good. Now, focus on that thought for a moment. Are you focused?”
“Yes.”
“All right, now when I hold the centerfold up again, what do you think of?”
“I think, wow, what great-looking ink.”
“No, no, no! There’s nothing ‘great-looking’ about it. It is ‘mere ink’ and nothing more. OK?”
“Got it.”
“Excellent!” Dr. Coburn responded, and gave Dan’s shoulder a squeeze. “You’re getting there.”
“Thank you, Dr. Coburn.”
“You’re most welcome, Dan. It’s a pleasure to teach you.” He looked at his watch. “Oh, my, four o’clock already. I’m sorry to say this, Dan, but today I have to leave you a bit early. I’ve scheduled a field trip to the adult bookshop. If one is to thwart temptation, one must keep up with the latest incarnations of it.”
“You are so dedicated – I mean, to go to a place like that for the sake of your students.”
“Thank you. Just doing a bit of unavoidable research.”
“Does that mean my lesson is over?”
“No, no. Thinking ahead is half the secret of successful adaptation and defense. We’ve got to press on – and I’ve decided that, despite your double-teaming downfall, you're at a point when Melanie can pitch in.”
“Melanie?”
“Of course. She’s as able an assistant as a father could hope for. What do you think?”
“I think, whatever you think, sir.”
End of Fifth Installment
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